Unsettled

Right now my life is plagued. Plagued with caring too much for the things I deem important, and too little for the things I dismiss as not. Plagued with getting too upset when people don’t match my passion towards things, and then again for passing some off when I hear of their life goals. Both sadly and thankfully I know I cannot go on like this.



I cant remember the last time money was spent on me, either by myself or others, that I didn’t feel guilty in a way. Feel guilty that this money could not be being used and invested more wisely in a way to better mankind rather than to fulfil my desires, quench my wanting, or satisfy my tastebuds. Why should I pursue eating something pleasing to my sight and taste, when I know that indirectly people are dying as a result. Because I chose the $30 meal over the $10 special, tell me how I haven’t lost my integrity. Tell me that the extra $20 I could have saved could have sponsored a child for a month and kept them alive, could have saved them from starvation, and kept them from child slavery.



I’m sick of quoting lives as numbers. I’m sick of being so alone in this. How can no one care? Or if you care, how can you live knowing what is happening. Or maybe that’s the problem. Maybe the only difference between you and me right now is between hearing and knowing. You may have heard there is poverty out there, I know of it. You may have heard people are dying, but because I know them, they are real. I don’t need to know the stomach-bulging child on the TV to know them. I know that everyone is unique and everyone special in their own way, but I can no longer change the channel. I can no longer live a day free from agony. I cant see another add without aching. I know I cannot live this emptiness inside, and put on my outwardly front that everything is ok, because its not. I do not say this to boast, but rather to pour out my heart to a world that seems so dry. So void. So distant. So lost.



I know this passion is mine. I know others will have their own, and that I need to accept them knowing so. Regardless of whether or not they care about what I view as the ‘greater issues’. The atrocities of Congo, Zimbabwe, and Iraq. The apathy with which we live our lives here. The social construct with which we abide by. The greed of man. Though you may not care, and though I do, I pray we can work together. I pray for humility in the work I know I am being called to.



I will not cut my life short because this challenge is so daunting. I will not brand my body to show what I stand for, because if my colours are not shining brightly enough already from within, then I am far from the mark. I will not emptily criticise those who know no better. Rather I will love, and forgive. No more, and no less. For if that is not enough, then all else fails.