A Life, To Where?

For once I know what waiting means. It does not involve twiddling my thumbs, but being devoted to whom God is calling me into. This life of mine has taught me nothing of true dependence. As far as I have been lead on, everything I want I can have, now. I need not take the road less traveled, for red carpet lines the adjacent voyage. A family of unconditional love lies beyond the seas. A man that wants every hole filled right now, lies within. The path I chose against promises so much instant fulfillment. The journey I have only now undertaken involves some weight. The ground is not only uneven and sharp, but the burden I labor aches me deep. Why on earth would I choose this way of life? Why on earth would someone ask this of me? Surely not a loving father. Surely a wretched master only interested in pain. But I believe the contrary. When the hard is endured, the future must be blessed. When persecution faces me, the gospel is more effective.

How long must I wait? Unquestionably I long for His Kingdom. Without hesitation I will grab on with two hands when I see him. There lies only one hurdle. One I have passed, but one that still so many stumble upon. Faith. How can I be selfless, and leave them behind? Surely I must claim responsibility for the moments I opted not to impact their eternity. I must not care of what they think of me if their opinions rule out the cross. Those that are open I must pursue with Christ. To those that are not, I must pray for a softening that is beyond my control. If they will believe once they see, let them see. Although I have faith without seeing, I must encourage those that require more to be convinced. He that doubted became one of the greatest evangelists of all time.

I want my want to encompass him. I want only of the Father. I desire all that is Him. I cannot afford to have a thought in my head that is not in His. I’m sick of only pursuing the side of Him that I want. I’m sick of wanting to only be good part of the time. To be a steward of heaven on earth, I must know of what His promises are, and what he is intending to do. I must set my eyes on what He is doing, and repent of the doubt that stems from what he is not doing. I must be more like Him, for any other aim fails.

I’m not the man I want to be.
I’m not the man I wish to be.
I’m not the man I ought to be,
But by the grace of God,
I’m not the man I used to be.